Terror Alert! (satire)


Satire alert:

Cornwall today raised the terror threat level to ‘high’ as a result of the increasing risk posed by fundamental Methodists.

In a press release issued by the radical Methodist State from a secret location in a sleepy part of Cornwall, UK (and right next to a very good tea shop, which is handy), it has warned that unless it receives enough cup-cakes and chocolate biscuits for the bring-and-buy sale on Saturday, it will be forced to instruct its militants, who will all be wearing the now-familiar chunky wool cardigans made for them by the ladies’ knitting circle, to go into the streets to carry out random acts of kindness on unsuspecting strangers.

The statement also said:

We have a highly dangerous collection of Charles Wesley’s most cloying and sentimental hymns, and we’re not afraid to use them. So you’d better come up with the cakes and biscuits or else, or else… we’ll all get very, very cross. But only for a bit, and not really cross, because we’re such nice people we’ll have a lovely time whatever happens. Don’t forget the Christmas jumble sale either – that’s always a great success! I see the weather’s turned out nice again…

The public were advised to be on their guard for members of the Methodist State in the streets raising money for charity and other good works.

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7 Comments on “Terror Alert! (satire)

  1. I know that this will sound rude and I don’t mean it to be but I have a question that I hope you will explain (or ignore I’ll understand). I like satires and yours certainly made me chuckle. It’s just that satires usually have a point to make. I’m hoping that in this case it’s not that we should not take terrorism seriously. (There you go, I knew I’d sound rude.)

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    • Hey there!
      First up – not rude at all!

      The point with this one is to highlight how most of the terrorism (or religious ideology fuelled barbarism – call it what you will) we see today is carried out by one particular religion.
      Specifically- most of the noise and religious hatred generated in Western countries is from one particular religion.
      You really don’t see fundamentalist Anglicans or Catholics or Jehovas Witnesses etc, secretly training away in bible study groups in leafy parts of the Western world, plotting how they can do something bad – they’re much more likely to be running the tombola or cake stall at the village hall or politely door knocking etc..

      I don’t dislike Islam (I have the same level of ambivalence to all religions equally!), but it’s interesting (and hence the satire), that it is used as such an effective rallying call for action (some not so pleasant) against non believers in a not insignificant number of followers.

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