Cornwall today raised the terror threat level to ‘high’ as a result of the increasing risk posed by fundamental Methodists.
In a press release issued by the radical Methodist State from a secret location in a sleepy part of Cornwall, UK (and right next to a very good tea shop, which is handy), it has warned that unless it receives enough cup-cakes and chocolate biscuits for the bring-and-buy sale on Saturday, it will be forced to instruct its militants, who will all be wearing the now-familiar chunky wool cardigans made for them by the ladies’ knitting circle, to go into the streets to carry out random acts of kindness on unsuspecting strangers.
The statement also said:
We have a highly dangerous collection of Charles Wesley’s most cloying and sentimental hymns, and we’re not afraid to use them. So you’d better come up with the cakes and biscuits or else, or else… we’ll all get very, very cross. But only for a bit, and not really cross, because we’re such nice people we’ll have a lovely time whatever happens. Don’t forget the Christmas jumble sale either – that’s always a great success! I see the weather’s turned out nice again…
The public were advised to be on their guard for members of the Methodist State in the streets raising money for charity and other good works.