How to be a (Melbourne Cup) lady

Today was Melbourne Cup Day – kinda like Royal Ascot in the UK.

And you know what that means – girls getting dressed up to 11 in their finest heels, frocks and fascinators and going out to look gorgeous and lovely, sipping cocktails in lady-like fashion

So, please follow my step by step guide to totally nailing the ‘day at the races’ fashion look and be sure to follow my handy behaviour guide for maximum classy impact.  This stuff cannot be left to chance.

After much observation, including in Perth today, the rules of dressing up for Melbourne Cup (or any race day) and the subsequent behaviour afterwards go something like this:

Heels: Pick the most ridiculously high heels over dressy heels you can find.  The more like an actual horse you end up walking in them, the better.


Makeup: Slap on as much makeup as it is feasible for one face to hold onto, paying particular attention to:

the eyebrows should be drawn on with black roofing paint or football boot dubbin.


the eyelashes glue the wings of a large raven to each eye, for that natural long lashes lookbig

Hat: Fashion a fascinator from the remains of the raven that was used for the eyes. Spray with neon paint.article-2139942-12F135C7000005DC-235_634x470

The Dress.  There are 3 schools of thought for the dress.

Strapless, short and sassy.  Very very short.  Make sure it’s short enough that the back of the skirt is less than 1mm lower than your butt cheeks.  Don’t ask a friend to check the backwards view, you can safely assume that the skirt appears the same height as the the front looks to you in the mirror and that your rounded derriere makes no difference whatsoever to rear skirt hem height.


If you can get some animal print going on and a cheezy 80’s feel with the tits out look too, so much the better


Dont even worry that there’s a stiff afternoon breeze here in Oz.  Not important, your dress, so carefully picked in the store on eBay will stay put and keep your modesty safe for sure.


Use Princess butt-cheeks Kate as your role model


Tight.  So tight that even the skinniest girls look like a sausage.  Ensure your underwear is functional and possibly patterned thus totally visible under the dress. Seams should be clearly discernible or the dress is simply too big.  Larger ladies, ensure your tight dress includes elements of the short dress and the tits out dress.


Tits out.  Low, low low and held up and in only with hope and dreams.  The bigger the chest, the more the structural integrity of the dress should be left purely to chance.  Side boob an absolute must.  Don’t get a friend to check to see if you’re decent – a quick glance in the mirror will be more than enough. The older you are the more of this dress is for you.





Underwear.  This should be on show – if not peeking out from under the dress, then through it


vpl thong

Behaviour.  Decorum is a must. A lady should think about her image first and foremost.

One should only drink one bottle of gin after the bottle of champers. Glasses are not necessary.article-2129221-1294C5B7000005DC-609_964x634article-2596282-1CD435A600000578-888_964x630

Falling over should be done in style, preferably face down. Some level of disgrace is a must.

3004048637_c9f28b0d5f_z  cup071112-DailyMail375

Underwear should be visible after falling down


Shoes must be carried and not worn once the initial slow trot or entrance canter for the cameras has been completed.


Optional classy flip flops or thongs are fine.


Shoes carried – check.
Grass stains on butt – check
Underwear visible – check
Oversized hart – check
Drunk – check.

Winner winner chicken dinner.


Putting the look together

Theres a certain skill in this, but here are few winning looks from successful race days to guide you lovely ladies in future outfit selections.


As you can see, being a classy race day lady is really simple if you follow my basic advice.

3 Comments on “How to be a (Melbourne Cup) lady

    • it’s tragic but oh so predictable (as evidenced from the photos in the papers this morning, which serve to illustrate my point precisely!) Next up – blokes guide..?


  1. I’ve read this 3 times over and had a nice chuckle everytime. I remember when I first got to Australia in 1999, one of my flatmates gravely sat me down and informed me that an essential element of the Australian culture was “Any bloody excuse for a pissup”

    At 18, I could not argue with that.

    (I still can’t now, although “pissup” has been downgraded to just “a drink or two.” Feeling my years I am…)


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